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! Scream ! [20 Feb 2007|06:15pm]

I have an urge to put on gloves, then dig a hole in my backyard and scream until I cannot even whisper for days. Yet, I am in my quiet, Addams Family/Museum-Like house and must be silent.

Nothing is really bothering me. I just don't have a place where I can scream and have no one think I was lock-her-up mad, or in danger. I just want to SCREAM for a sake of it.

Scream with me?

*S C R E A M !!*
find someplace new

To Hell With this Crap! Let's Go Bowling! [02 Mar 2006|04:15am]

To hell with this crap! Let's go bowling!

(Some thoughts about life.)

"I need to brainwash myself before someone else beats me to it."

"If you sell your soul for art, make sure you get a receipt."

"Stop using others as excuses to be upset."

I have realized that in this circus we call existence, there are two sorts of people. One sort knows that it's a circus and plays along accordingly. You have seen these people, perhaps you are one of them. These people laugh a lot. They seem to be happier than the average. They have a higher happiness quotient. They still go through all the trials, sufferings, and turmoil of life, but they somehow seem to not be attached to that. They are able to let go. They cry when it hurts and then get over it. They don't sit there years or months later and inflict more wounds on themselves by wallowing in some memory. These people also seem to have this amazing ability to make others around them feel comfortable and even uplifted at times. They are truly happy when others are happy. You get the sense that they actually don't want to see another person suffer. The best part of all is that since they know they are in a circus, they seem to be able to know things about reality and human nature as if they can see right through the mirage. Yet they don't go around thinking they are better than anyone because of this. Truly they are the clowns and performers who know it's a gig and enjoy the spectacle in all its tragic and ecstatic aspects.

The second sort are those who do not even know they are in a circus. They act and perform and take everything so seriously that sometimes it's such a pain...so draining to be around them. They think if they make strong ego walls and constantly advertise themselves as the "great" or the "one" thing or person that it will somehow get them more reality. Heh. But they can't get any more real than any other phenomenon, so that is a waste of time. They see the little tricks and shows they create and actually think that these things are of serious universal importance. They try to manipulate everyone around them to become characters in the background of their own life story. You can tell who these kind of people are by the amount of mental bullshit and drama they inflict or cause others (including themselves) to go through, all the while denying that they are playing any game.

So let me use the metaphor of the most obvious circus performer. There are the real clowns who know it's a circus. And the fake clowns who would be horrified to realize that existence is this way.

Some of the clowns in the circus are happy. Some of the clowns are sad. However the real clowns don't mind being alive whether happy or sad. The fake clowns get all wounded and wound up because life can never be the perfect thing they were always looking for. The real clowns are kind of open to life. Even though life may not be perfect nor turn out exactly according to plan, these clowns are brighter and happier, and usually end up achieving success in the most unlikely of places because they were so open and tickled by reality that they are buoyant. When they fall on their ass, they bounce back up as soon as they can. The fake clowns hate the real clowns. They fall on their own asses and sit there for a long time, so embarrassed and hurt...and they think (because they are selfish tards) that everyone is looking at them and going to judge them (because they always judge others). These clowns are absurd and don't even get the joke. They don't see that everyone has fallen on their asses more than a few times and that it's part of the performance no matter how sore their butts get.

Real clowns get torn up and heartbroken too. They sometimes whine and bewail the damned circus, but in the end they know that even this is part of life. Existence here and now is where it's at and there is no use holding on to either past experiences or future anticipations. The fake clowns get all dark and suicidal because they have lost touch with the art of being happy. They don't want to see that they are part of a circus because that would challenge their very sense of who they think they are. You can't be an egoist who thinks you're the center of the world if you realize that life is like a dreamy circus, and when you wake up from the dream, it is still there but now you see it as it is.

I don't know which sort of person I really am but that doesn't bother me anymore. Because I see this circus for what it is and I am going to not only enjoy what I can and do my best, but help others to do the same. This endless spontaneous dance of all phenomena is the funniest thing in the world. Like a grand universal joke...not in a nihilistic meaningless sort of joke. But a laughing free hearted joke. Indomitable light heartedness. This is the true nature of existence. Sorry to break it to all of you out there who think that this life is a ho-hum serious endeavor of epic proportions. Did you ever learn that the only way to the top of this mountain is to drop all the baggage? If you don't drop all of your baggage, you'll never see the top. And don't worry about the damned things. Your bags will still be there waiting for you after you finish your time at the top. You will always be able to pick them again up whenever you wish. But perhaps you are afraid that after carrying the heavy load for so long, you'll float off into nothingness if you put the baggage down. Perhaps you're afraid that once you are free of the baggage, there'll be no way in hell you'll pick it up again. Perhaps you have confused all your baggage for who you really are. You are invested in carrying your heavy load so much that you think it would be irresponsible to drop it. But the universe won't enable you to be so deluded forever. We get old, sick, and some day we will die. Everything is always in a flux, some things slower, some faster. You may never know what may flip you around. How silly is it to wait until that point to be free of all our baggage when you can drop it now? Then if you do flip, or something changes on you quickly, you won't be so stuck in it and you'll be able to land gently. You can always pick some of the baggage back up again if you are not ready to run around light hearted all the time. Perhaps you can practice doing it a little at a time and build up to the point when you can just drop it.

Now that you know all this, you silly clowns, what are you going to do about it? Are you going to dance or are you just going to stand there against the wall because your foolish insistence that you carry your baggage has you all worn out and not energetic enough to live and let yourself dance? It is your choice.

Perhaps you'll want to come along with me then next time I raise my voice and say "Enough! To Hell With This Crap! Let's Go Bowling!"

February 9th, 2006
-Irreverend Hugh, KSC
find someplace new

Pinealopathy [16 Aug 2005|03:25am]

Rant 109

[Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<though [...] silence,>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]

Rant 109

<Though THEY have tried to stop, silence, or distract the rant machine, the robot is still going strong and at full speed for it is subtle and swift to laughter.>

"Asperger's Disorder: A severe and sustained impairment of social interaction and functioning. In contrast to autism, there are no clinically significant delays in language, cognitive, or developmental age-appropriate skills."
-Taber's Cyclopedic Medical Dictionary (Edition 20)

"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden, or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

"All activities are like the games children play, like castles being made of sand. View them with delight and equanimity, like grandparents overseeing their grandchildren..."
-Nyoshul Khenpo Rinpoche

"It's not going to stop till you wise up."
-Guess who this quote comes from

Are you sick of running around in circles? Enough to puke? Do you find yourself hating stupid people but then doing things others consider stupid? Have you ever thought that maybe it was just a matter of perspective? Or do you still insist that you are smarter than most people and that they are all idiots anyway? The condition of pride or hubris is fogging up your lenses and your pineal gland (the poor thing) may now be forced to take action. (And you know if one of your body parts is forced to take autonomous action then something is really messed up. If you decide to try to talk it through with the concerned body part, you should probably not tell anyone else about it. They still have scary places to put people who are brash enough to tell others about conversations with body parts, angels, demons, and staplers.)

Many of you out there think that those people who say that existence is pure joy are simply in denial of the "real truth(tm)." If you think thus it is only because you have confused the new agers with the alchemists. The New Agers go around and blandly cover up the world's problems and sorrows with their "happy happy joy joy" philosophy, whereas the alchemists transmute their sorrows and pains into joy via control over the nervous system and psychology. That's why some of them can say that all existence is pure joy. Some of you may hate their example because it implies that if YOU are miserable, then YOU can change. And not many people want to change or take charge of their own emotional states, do they? Not many are willing to take responsibility for feeling the way they do. It's so much better and easier to blame another or to blame some circumstance that is supposedly fixed and unchanging... or supposedly immensely important, no matter how trivial it could really be. If people could learn just this one truth about the nature of alchemy, the majority of the world's human-created problems would finally be threatened with solutions.

Every one of your experiences is necessary for growth simply because you have experienced it and cannot undo the history. You can use them all as sacraments in your quest or your path or whatever you call however it is that you live. You can take care of yourself, physically and emotionally, so that you are not an annoyance or a burden to others. You can be an authentic person for once in your life, not needing the validation of others and not seeking their rejection. Just being. If this sounds impossible, you may have to ask yourself, why it seems that way? Are you more of a victim of inculcation than you think?

You have no obligation other than to find your own needs and desires and to fulfill them. Taking on the world or the system or society is just another trap to get you to do something that is damned near impossible and to look outside of your own life for solutions you have been dutifully trained to care about. You only continue to care about such ideas because you think you must. But your Will doesn't work that way. You find your Will by being honest with yourself and then doing what it is that you really want to do, even if what you really want to do is just hang-glide or write occult books, or work in a factory while attending weekly bible-study meetings. Who cares about what others may or may not think? Most people are so lost from their Will that they wouldn't understand you at any event, unless you do as they do and pretend to do things out of their nobility or sentimentality or civility.

Your pineal gland is meant to glow, and whether that means you will end up a brilliant mystic or an equally brilliant shoe salesperson, it doesn't matter so long as you are free. Likewise you see other people in this light. They are also free to do as they will and to be as they wish. And everyone is responsible for their own actions and has to live with the consequences. Seeing that others are free doesn't mean you do not hold them accountable (despite what years of popular pseudo-therapy and the New Age have done to the idea of personal freedom). Religions and political ideologies are all geared to make you feel guilty for not adhering to the doctrine of social obligations. What was once considered a natural virtue has now been made onto a guilt trip. Religion and politics cares nothing about people actually doing anything to change the world or to solve problems. The point is for you to feel guilty and once you feel guilty you can be brought back down and easily manipulated. So let the martyrs die for their causes. Let the ideologues pontificate and theorize. And let the religious clergy members rant and rail about their gods and their salvation/submission complexes. Chaos is now. And freedom is yours if you choose to live it. If you want your wishes to come true, then remember that they are made true. What are you doing about them?

What have you done? Remember that this is a question for you to think about. But it is also the question that others will use to try and guilt trip you into their sorts of futility. Beware of those who use perfect logical constructions to try to get you to trip and fall under their sway. The difference between ideas that liberate you and ideas that enslave you is that the latter leave you with no choice or they give you an either/or choice while the former open you up to more possibilities. Logic is merely a tool and those who would see you enslaved (for no other reason than misery loves company, if not direct or indirect manipulation) use this tool to break you down to get you to agree with their position. Those who would see you free use logic to expose the falsity and the limits of all logic, and by implication the limits of all thoughts, ideas, and opinions. (To some degree anyway.) By all means, use thinking to free yourself or to solve your problems, but once done, those ways of thought should be abandoned at the first sign of their obsolescence. Who decides? You decide.

Stupidity is as common as the air we breath, but so is wisdom. It's just that people assume stupidity is the easier of the two and then go on to deny it by positing that their own brand of stupidity is in fact intelligence or even wisdom. It happens everyday. One example of this: Sometimes when I am walking home and about to go into my building, a neighbor who lives in the same complex will run, sometimes for over a block, to catch up to me so they don't have to be bothered by using their own key to get in. I let them in cheerfully. They are neighbors, of course. But I wonder how much easier it is to run and try to catch up to me? Wouldn't it be easier if they would simply use their own key to get in? Aren't they expending more energy trying to catch up to me as I open the door? This example is a simple one that points out this common behavior on many other levels. What are some other examples you yourselves have witnessed or even done?

Work smart not hard. There is much to learn about this cliched and overused expression. And in the science or art of learning how to do things according to one's Will, it is this cliché that will save on years of wasted time and effort. Simply expending a lot of effort to accomplish something does not make it more valuable. In opening up one's mind and getting the pineal gland to glow, effort is practically useless. The harder you work at it the longer it will take you to achieve anything measurable. Contrary to the common sense of most people, the harder you work at freeing yourself the more of a chance there is that you will end up exactly where you started.

Pinealopathy is a common ailment which is easily communicable and can frequently recur. Because the vast majority of people around you may have lopsided pineal glands, you may be singled out as abnormal as soon as you figure out how to illuminate your own. THEY will resent the fact that you no longer go around in circles with THEM or that you no longer take THEM and their circumambulating seriously. The rats don't want you to free yourself. THEY want you to buy their products and lines of bullshit that give you a sense of freedom without actually ever tasting freedom. THEY have all sorts of hoops and jumps for you to accomplish. THEY have all sorts of neat and shiny distractions for you to numb yourself in either nihilistic apathy or pseudo-ecstatic "if only I had this or that" mentations. THEY want you to follow THEM...to become just like THEM...THEY want you to play THEIR game of leaders and followers and never once question if there is anything more. THEY deny that anything else then THEIR game could possibly exist and THEY use THEIR poorly constructed pseudo-materialist ideologies to distract you from any version of reality that doesn't allow THEM to control or manipulate you. Failing this pseudo-materialism, THEY will use the traditional techniques from the dominant religions to keep you trapped in THEIR thrall.

One thing THEY don't wish for you to know is that the prison warden THEY rely upon to keep you in THEIR thrall is your own mind. Once you no longer care or pay attention to that delusion...once you destroy the inner prison warden, nothing THEY can do to you will ever work again. Once your pinealopathy is cured, it's all over for THEM. You no longer have to listen to the crapscreamers and the peddlers of ideas ever again. The rats within your walls will have no where to live since your walls will be dissolved. All the Choronzonic chatter that THEY will raise and kick up will be seen as the joke it really is. And then you will realize that Eris' laughter wasn't personal.

August 8th, 2005

-Irreverend Hugh, KSC
(Driving under the influence of Liber Kaos)
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[11 May 2005|12:25pm]

Here's something from the wish-I'd-written-it-myself dep't: an excerpt from Chaos: The Broadsheets of Ontological Anarchism by Hakim Bey. [Italics at my whim, not his.] CHAOS NEVER DIED...Collapse )
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[03 Mar 2005|05:48am]

Sermon on Eristicism 10: Rats in the Warehouse

"News Item: Asteroid 2005 CM7 passes within 669,000 miles of Earth on Feb. 1, three days before it is discovered by astronomers. If it had hit Earth, it would have created a crater up to a half-mile wide and 300 feet deep. The bright side is it would have been discovered sooner."
-from QT column in the Sun-Times (Wed. Feb. 9, 2005)

"It says much and means even less. Or vice versa."
-Ancient Discordian Proverb

"I am going to try speaking some reckless words, and I want you to try to listen recklessly."
-Chuang Tzu

Now here I am sitting in my room away from the supposed Real World(tm). I realize that I have slacked off in my episkopational duties of ranting and sermonizing your ears and eyes off, but that is only because my life has gotten interesting. Not interesting in that sort of bland cocktail party chatterbox style of speaking where intellectuals get together and try to out smart each other. I mean really, as in most people would freak their fucking daylights out, interesting. I am sure that I have recounted one or two examples of what I mean by interesting in the last few weeks. But actually, we are not here concerned with any of that.

My friends, we are here concerned with the fnords. There are rats in the warehouse that you have so meticulously stocked with your provisions and survival necessities. These rats are good at the game of masquerading themselves off as the colored animals and even the people that you like. Sometimes they even manage to convince you yourself that they are in fact you yourself. How can they do this, you ask? What the holey damnation is going here, you ask? You already think you know the answer, so why are you even asking? And that in itself is another fnord.

The rats in the warehouse, you ask? What in blue thud are those?

They are the system, my friends, enemies, and someone-elses. The rats are the creeping fnordian fear that slowly sucks the lifeblood from the smiles you will eventually have to struggle to keep alive. They are those pangs of greedy hunger in your heart which whisper silently in your ears the minute you become satiated on whatever it was that you desired. They are the persistent water torture of words in your head that serve no purpose other than to obscure what you truly feel and to keep from you the thoughts you think. They are all the little actions and sayings and people who carry such things that keep the Conspiracy of Normal alive and well...and feeding on your flesh, blood, and forgotten dreams. They need you to forget your dreams and aspirations so that they can tell you what you want (an endless chain of things to buy) and then make you work away your entire life to get it. They are gnawing on your bones right at this moment while you run around alive and pretending that everything is exactly otherwise from how you see it in front of your face.

They are the people who tell you that the way you speak is incorrect and bad and therefore you have to learn the way they speak. They are the people who tell you how to think and feel about the world because the way you already think and feel about it is substandard or defective...like the preachers and other fundamentalists. They are people with no training in any thing that contributes to any good or happiness in this world and yet take upon themselves all sorts of lofty-sounding titles. They make the decrees and pronouncements to keep you in line...to convince you that any perspective and/or activity that you may be engaged in is the wrong one. They are the people of fnords...the lost ones who pretend to find themselves by thinking they are better than the masses of people who, truth be told, are also lost in the fog of confusion. (And that in and of itself is not so bad, if people would simply admit it and own up to it.) They are the people who point their shit stained fingers at everyone else and blame the foul smell on everyone else. They are the ones who have fifty thousand words to label you as...all of the words meaning "no-good-shit."

They are the people who affect airs and elect themselves to power over societies that were once founded on the idea of democracy. They then get to dictate and tell you what they are now doing to you is "real" democracy. They tell you to get real, that any dreams you have that diverge from the normal fantasy inducing disney paradise on your five hundred channel and multi-million website media system...any dreams that diverge from this are hopeless, utopian, fraudulent, dangerous, extremist, and other such ill begotten words to express their minds' collective refusal to learn. They are the ones who tell you that they KNOW reality and that you couldn't possibly KNOW reality unless you agree with them and buy their products...whether political products, ideological products, shiny-techno-toys, or pre-fabbed dreams. They get you to believe the double lie that art and culture is necessary for you to survive and then tell you exactly what constitutes real art and culture. They are an endless treadmill of don't-worry-be-happies but only if it's their ready-made and officially marketable be-happies. They package pretty nooses for you to wear and get you to deceive yourselves into believing that the nooses are fashionable, desirable, and necessary for you to become a "real person."

The rats have infested the warehouses of your lives and they are greedy. They will gnaw at everything until there is nothing left but ashes and crumbs which they will then sell to you at special never-ending inflation rates while convincing you that it's a firehouse sale. Something's burning all right. You. You are what's for dinner. And they will gnaw on your bones until not even the memory of you is left for anyone to wonder about. They will replace the very thought of your life's disappearance with easily manageable catchphrases and sound-bites. Will you ever get the joke? Will you ever see what is in front of your face? Or will you see it and simply become another rat in an effort to be the fattest rat?

There are rats in the warehouses, people. And not only are they gnawing away at everything you need to thrive in this world, but they have also convinced you to carry their shit and rearrange it and buy and sell it.

Or will you be able to become aware enough to say "ENOUGH OF THIS SHIT?" Will you ever be able to have the strength to say that you are tired of this shit?

1 driving to nowhere | find someplace new

Sermon on Eristicism [09 Dec 2004|10:18am]

As a condition of my vow to write more in here, I will start with this sermon which was read to my home cabal and also posted to my favorite BBS's. I have been writing but feel this sermon could/would be a good start to generate some more writing amongst my fellow EM community mates.

Sermon on Eristicism:
Wherein Much is Explained About Nothing Relevant to You;
and Possibly Some Elucidation Expounded About the Great Discordian Jihad Both For And Against the Bureaucracy...

My fellow Discordians of bothy sticky and non-stick varieties,
Much talk has been floating around about certain segments of our Society being sorely vexed about finding certain round golden shiny damned things in their midst. Some of you, I hear, are complaining; believing yourselves to be immune to Eris and Her social antics. Some of you, I hear, can't take a joke. Let the following words then speak to you, if that is you, in as much as the word 'you' means anything.

But first off, I want you to take out your dictionaries and look up the word 'eristic.' If you have a good dictionary, you will find the actual listing for the word. Got it yet? Good....now read the definition because you'll need to keep it in mind to understand what I have to say to you all.

Some of you, I hear, are troubled that some of us are not making any distinction between US and THEM in our efforts to shake things up and sink the damned ship. What pray tell, put it into your heads that being a Discordian gave you some sort of immunity from Golden Apple tossing?
The reason why the Great Discordian Jihad was launched was primarily to prove that assumption wrong. How do you go around calling yourselves 'eristic' or Discordian, or what-have-you, and yet believe that you have immunity from the discord we cause? (Shit. Most of what you are whining about hasn't even really been serious discord caused by any of us. It has usually been a silly joke just for hoots and hollers.)

Your own laughter is the immunity. And if you can't take a joke, well...you know where you can go. We do have a use for Mao buttons, you know...and so would be happy to have a few more. And you didn't hear that from me.

Some of you think that some of us are being assholes. Have you forgotten how to laugh? Are you Discordian, but yet claim to be able to arbitrarily label others as assholes simply because they are carrying out Operation Mindfuck, or having a good time? Really, if you don't like this game we play, you are free to try other games. Hell, you are free to carry on as you have been, whining about the damned things we are causing. Far be it from me to tell you what to do. But at least try to ask yourselves the question, "Why do I not find this shit funny?" when you feel yourselves the victims of the Discordian Jihad. (Besides Discordians can't be assholes, but sometimes can be funny or ODD jerks. And every now and then we need to just shut up while we're ahead.)

I was there in the beginning of the DJ (Discordian Jihad) and, though I have been participating in it and loudly and longwindedly supportive of the whole mess, I have also fallen victim to some funny pranks. Did I whine and complain about that? No. I simply kept playing the game. As it has always been said, you can choose to participate in the DJ, or not, or maybe...or something else entirely. But please stop your whining about how eristic we are, or can be, or are getting. Otherwise I will have to start ranting again....and I really really really need a break from ranting.

Or nevermind. Just forget you even heard this.

Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

3 driving to nowhere | find someplace new

W G Y T T N? [08 Dec 2004|06:11am]

Tell me, my friends...what gets you through the night?
When you have come back home after midnight from a ruckus series of pranks (a long blowing off of steam after a long day's work) and are perplexed at the amount of human degradation and slavery all around you that is about to get back up again in the morning and kick the living shit out of someone's dreams, what keeps it together for you? Is is the thought of Eris out there wrecking it too? Or is it the thought that the hammer might not, in fact, drop on us all. Or do you wander in from the world to your home and simply drink the outside world away? Or do you simply become more of what you already are and build up more of what you already do because the grey society isn't going to get you in the end, oh no, not you, because you have what it takes and all the laughter one could ever need.

Well...just a few things to think about.

I will be back here more often.

See you all soon.
2 driving to nowhere | find someplace new

A Panty Day [29 Nov 2004|04:56pm]

[ mood | silly ]

I rushed to get ready to work, throwing on clothes I had laid out the night before. Out the door I went and I arrived to work late.

I went about the work day the same as usual, but one thing was missing. In my own little world where the sound of my dress pants annoys me, I am keenly aware of the broken tiles on the floor and I have an urge to pretend I can tap dance as I walk past people...There was no nagging discomfort or even the awareness of wearing underpants.

Into the bathroom I went and carefully in a stall I checked. I went to work with my usual Hanes Her Way cotton granny knickers on (bright pink today). However, they were inside-out. I fell into a fit of giggles that I had to quiet down when another woman entered the bathroom.

And, now I am home. It might be a little odd, but I just /had/ to share the secret of my mundane comfort today. No one ever sees my panties. I often wear the big cotton kind and I thought I already knew what comfort in panties was. It was not until today that I discovered what it was light to wear something inside-out.

I guess it makes it more fun that no one else can see it through my clothes. Today my granny knickers, tomorrow my bra.

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random bits of Goo Goo Dolls lyrics strung together into poems [24 Aug 2004|12:11am]

Everything you are
Falls from the sky like a star
It's like falling backwards
Into no one's arms
And I tried so hard to reach you
But you're falling anyway


I wanna kick at the machine
That made you piss away your dreams
Don't you love the life you killed
I wanna feel you scream

Let's pretend
I'm wanting you again
You're dirty and you're sweet
You know you're everything to me

Tell me lies
That you know I need
I'm in love and you don't care
I'd give up forever to touch you

You know you hit me like I've never felt before
It's hard to be free when you're down on your knees
And I didn't think about all the ways I hurt
But I wouldn't say a thing to you

I wish for things that I don't need
And what I chase won't set me free
What do you need from me tonight
I'm killing myself from the inside out

A thousand words, but none were spoken
You promised me you'd set me free
Another dream just got broken
And the sky begins to bleed on me

Guess there's nothing left to say
Guess things just turn out that way
find someplace new

Falling Up [06 Aug 2004|06:38pm]

I fell /up/ the stairs today. As the better of my two bad knees slammed upon the step I decided to turn and just sit there a moment. It was very comfortable.

When I was younger I would lounge across the stairs like a lazy cat. It was nice to return to such a thing that I had forgotten. It has been a while since I fell up the stairs and took a moment to rest. I highly recommend it.
find someplace new

citronella haiku [06 Jul 2004|12:43pm]

the moth drowns in wax,
crackles in the flame. the wick
flares, a brighter lure.
find someplace new

tuesday morning. [06 Jul 2004|10:24am]

i kinda miss this...

just wanted to say hi.

so, hi.
find someplace new

candy coated teardrops [04 May 2004|08:05pm]

euphoric deception
afraid of rejection
flying high in the sky on the wings of my mind
bad girl good girl who will win
he told me once i'm brita water pure
i think he was right
everything dirty thing i do seems to be filtered right out
i don't live in the past
i'll always be innocent
i'm a good girl

little child inside wants to come out and play
words tripping and skipping on the tip of my tongue
then falling out like a rainbow of skittles
i love you! i love you! i love you!
i run to your arms, spin me around
let's go to the playground and swing for a while
lay on the ground, stare up at the sky
it's better at night when there's stars in your eyes
starlight starbright 1st star i see tonight
i wish i may i wish i might have this wish i wish tonight

can't tell you what i wished for...shhhhhh!
(i wished for you)

if i trip and fall will you pick me up?
running full speed ahead it's bound to happen sometime
what's it like to be in love?
i want to fall
completely and utterly into you
every time, the first time
every kiss a brand new taste of you

I'm surprised that you've never been told before
That you're lovely and you're perfect
And that somebody wants you
find someplace new

I had a laughing fit in my car [13 Apr 2004|07:47pm]

[ mood | Entertained ]

I was getting ready to go home from work for the day. I open my car door and move to sit down and somehow slip and fall, landing in a pile on my seat. I close the door and start the car. As I leave the parking lot, I see my boss and I look down for some reason. I discover that the belt of my coat is dragging out of the car, in the rain and such. My bumm was still hurting from when I fell into my car. So I tug on the belt, pull it on the car and uncharacteristically mutter, "Fuuuck." I think lean for the radio and click it on and NIN is on, midway through the sound 'Closer' the lyrics of that moment, as the radio started was: '-- you like an animal, I want to feel you for the inside.' It turns out that my mutter was right in time with the radio censorship. It made me laugh all 20 minutes home.

Maybe it was just the moment, or maybe it really was funny. Either way, I felt like sharing.

2 driving to nowhere | find someplace new

rambling about ppl u don't know... but I thought I'd share the sentiment. maybe u know it? [08 Apr 2004|12:47am]

[ mood | moody ]

stay u say
I could forever
but it's not even me you see
u look right through me every time
I don't exist?
I do U know I do but not for you?
So many questions & still u give me no answers
I didn't go away.
U left me there.
& now I'm here
just like you
I had to pay some of those dues
the crystal shards of my broken heart
crunch beneath our shoes
& STILL I'm mising you.
back 2 double meanings I ensue
one on one contact w/ u.
those emails u sent me
was it really not you?
can u feel me when I sleep?
when I dream about you?
can u hear me want u?
is that why u left this time too?
stop leaving me.
I hurt too much from you.
why can't u just stay?
I know u don't have to
but you don't want to.
that's what kills me.
I die each time you choose not to
why can't u just tell me what I really mean to you?
you said you "care".
Well I care too.
Do u know how I really feel about you?
where I'd go to be w/ you?
where I've been because of you?
you have no clue.
who's taken care of U in ways she'll never know?
what's her name to you?
Don't ask why; I just want to know.
If the she u see isn't me
just say so, so I can get closure and be on my own.
I'm all shiney and new w/ some old scars
left from you
& those who passed b4 u & after you
I still think of them too
but they'll never be you.
why can't I share this stuff w/ u?
I'm trying to wait. but I don't think U'll
ever take what I want you to.
by the way. I don't trust him. please get him away from us in that strange way.
what is it w/ ppl stalking u and your cohorts?
I'm bleeding again
trapped in the end
this end game is killing me.
& I wish for its stop if
it can't get me what I want
I'm still stuck there
dealing with fear
from everytime U've left me here.
I'm like a fucking deer
stuck in the highbeams
too scared to make a move
& STILL I want you
to stay. don't run from me again
come to me for once and
tell me the truth
if it's nay I walk
if it's yay. I stay.
simple as that.

why am I not surprised that silence is your response.

this fucking hurts.

(this is pure madness so I figured it would fit here. it's really not a poem it's more like lyrics to music I can't write... anyone every feel this way? I'd like to know I'm not the only crazy one here - thanks!)

1 driving to nowhere | find someplace new

we should all have one of these. [06 Apr 2004|03:10pm]

had some time, made some of these, printed them up, and handed a few to strangers.

1 driving to nowhere | find someplace new

My OCD-ness is chaining me up... [03 Apr 2004|04:56pm]

Behind the cut I expose my everday weakness. I am curious of yout thoughts and I hope for advice or something. It is one of my issues, it is up to you if you read. It is rather personal to me, but I figured this community seems to handle my insanity when it is amusing. Perhaps there could be a though on when it becomes like a chain?

Kinda, but not too too long...Collapse )
6 driving to nowhere | find someplace new

... [02 Apr 2004|09:25am]

I did not have a chance at April Fools fun.
However I helped a friend use a while roll of duct tape to seal a doorway
with newspaper and was amused to see the owner of the room worm his way out.

Meanwhile, my Lovelies, I am curious to see how much we have in common...
- Ever try to go out a door, and forgot to open it first?
- Ever dance to music that was stuck in your head?
- If you eat brocolli, do you think it is important to seperate the
  'trunk' from the 'leaves' parts of the 'tree' before eating it?
- Ever floss your teeth with your hair (preferrably /clean/ hair)?
- Do you sometimes wish HTML could be accepted as a second language? 
- Ever scream on the top of your lungs in the car, while driving, just
  because no one would complain you were making too much noise?
- Ever dedicate a song on the radio to someone that doesn't exist so you
  have a better chance of hearing the song you want?
- Do you give your fuffins* personalities and cry if something happens
  that might 'hurt' them or make them 'sad'?
- Did you ever make up stories to talk someone into doing something?
  (Example: We must go to the shrine of Lord Quizno and save him from
  the evils of [Insert-Name-Of-Town that a Quizno's is in]! )

Did you say 'Yes' to any of these questions?
If you did then you have something in common with me (:

* Fluffins are stuffed animals, Silly.
4 driving to nowhere | find someplace new

a picture. [01 Apr 2004|04:23pm]

6 driving to nowhere | find someplace new

Absolut Hangover [01 Apr 2004|04:20pm]

[ mood | awake ]

For a class I took about two years ago, I had to create an Absolut Ad. I sort of pushed the envelope. However I thought it may amuse you...

^^ In case that did not work, it is at: http://members.aol.com/greyfrequency/AbsHangover1.jpg

4 driving to nowhere | find someplace new

the buffet line. [01 Apr 2004|03:59pm]

i am not sure when i first realized i was a crazy girl, though i remember one time when i made it quite evident to the rest of the world that i was. i used to work as a server at a country club, and one particular day, while hosting a wedding, i was serving the slosh of potatoes. i remember looking over to the girl serving the beans. on my other side was some sort of chicken. i suddenly felt so much mightier than the rest of the waitstaff. and then i was convinced that i was not only mentally stronger, but physically, and felt the urge to lift up the buffet table to prove my strength. i stopped serving and the line of hungry wedding guests grew longer. i refrained from actually lifting up the table but instead ran to the bathroom and attempted to remove the toilet from the wall, to prove my strength. when that was unsucessful, i went outside and tried to push this giant boulder rock thing...and i failed at that, too. i burst into a fit of manic-tears, out of anger, that i could not prove my strength. i ran wild then, for a few minutes, on the golf course, until my manager found me and told me to go home. i was in no condition to drive; that was clear. so my father came and picked me up.

wow that was kind of boring. sorry! heh...
1 driving to nowhere | find someplace new

the wisdom of fools. [01 Apr 2004|03:48pm]

today, being april fool's day, is a Discordian holiday. ["or not, whatever," i add--this is my traditional benediction following any statement regarding Eris.]

pranks are not necessary, unless you are also Malkavian. sometimes it's best to simply enjoy the wisdom of foolishness and engage in it as desired.

so tell me about your foolery, because today i have no choice but to be practical. *sigh*
4 driving to nowhere | find someplace new

what are we doing here? [01 Apr 2004|03:29pm]



how about a question or something? such as...when did you first realize you were a crazy girl?

yea. that.

or something else.

3 driving to nowhere | find someplace new

New Blood [31 Mar 2004|04:26pm]

ambrosiaoferis kindly pointed me in this direction.
I made a few wrong turns, but eventually found my way here.
12 driving to nowhere | find someplace new

[30 Mar 2004|11:49pm]

hello. I can tell I'll enjoy this just by the moderators. for the others who are here that I don't know: I'm JoAnna. I know the moderator whose name starts with a "t". :]
1 driving to nowhere | find someplace new

alone in philly. [30 Mar 2004|01:42am]

clock. 1:42.
and i've nothing but three words:
someone: steal my soul.
6 driving to nowhere | find someplace new

here we go. [21 Mar 2004|10:37pm]

find someplace new

esoteric madness. [21 Mar 2004|10:34pm]

just playing with layout.
1 driving to nowhere | find someplace new

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